Fufill my dreams

2011-07-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

I was happy. I really was. When I received my oral recitation results. Happy that I passed. Happy that i improved. I told myself I did a great job. But when compared to others, my results is like one of the lowest. Why? I thought I did well. I put in a ot of effort in it. I know I had some flaws in my presentation but honesty did those flaws really caused that much? How about the others? The others whom I thought had more flaws than me. Then I gave up. I decided to just be contented. Vanessa suspects Ms Wang is bias. Honesty I am glad. It means that she thinks I did well. Thanks. Thanks or making my day better even if it's just a little.

I feel much happier now though. I finished the thinking test. Rather its over but i didnt finish it. Still, I am glad. I managed to do the science worksheet :D Finally. I just realized its not that difficult actually. For LA, 5 people chose fate as their speech topic. Good luck to them. I would love to see how they write it. Petrina's inside. I am very sure she will score well. Probably the best. With her beautifully written speech and clear vocals, combined with her expressive gesture and tone, no doubt she will score. Her language is awesome. Her flair for writing is unbeatable. I like her style. But yet at the same time, I know deep inside me, I am jealous. Jealous that she is better than me. Jealous that no matter how hard I try I just cannot beat her. Still, I admire her.

IH test is coming up. Essay on some topic which I don't even know yet is on next friday. I hate essays. But i want to score. Math test is coming up as well. Just one day after my birthday. 19 August. I will work hard. Because I want those marks. I want to tell them I deserve those marks. I need them. I will get them.

My addiction is really strong. But I am immersed in it. I just love it. So I would not try to give it up. Instead I will cherish it with all my heart and hope I will get bored of it.

Confused

2011-07-18T07:40:00.001-07:00

I just suddenly feel empty. Really empty. More empty than I have ever felt. I have no idea what to choose, how to improve my studies and what to do. I am addicted. I admit. All the things I stuffed in my room, all the homework I cast aside.. soon it will all come back to haunt me. I know it. It's best to stop all these before they come. But I am just lazy. Again lazy. Even when I feel like starting all over, complete all my homework, my room comes to haunts me. I am stuck.

School is torture. Mathematics, Chinese, Science, Integrated Humanities, Conversational Malay .... they are never more boring than now. I have no idea. I don't understand any of the lessons now and tests are already coming. Apparently, a lot of teachers don't like me now either. I don't know what to do. I am confused. The overwhelming amount of information and tests being thrown towards me. It's all going to reach me soon. It's just a matter of time. I need to start. Start being good. Start my homework. Start studying.

I try. I really do. I love the satisfaction I get from completing my homework but it's simply too hard to complete that i write rubbish. Writing a whole lot of rubbish does not give me any satisfaction. Therefore doing homework becomes a burden now. I cant stand it. The weight of everything just coming down at me. I am just waiting for my doomsday now unless I do something to stop it.. somehow. tomorrow probably i either play or correct everything.

I am going to try. Once again I try. In hope of succeeding each time but failing every time. Falling down each time i pick myself up. Demoralizing. I get the picture now. But theres no choice. I still have to try. I must.

Those hours, that with gentle work did frame

2011-06-22T04:36:00.000-07:00

Those hours, that with gentle work did frame,

The lovely gaze where every eye doth dwell,

Will play the tyrants to the very same.

And that unfair which unfairly doth excel,

For never-ending time leads summer on,

To hideous winter and confounds him there:

Sap checked with frost; and bareness everywhere

Beauty o'er-snowed and bareness everywhere

Then were not summer's distillation left,

A liquid prisoner pent in walls of glass,

Beauty's effect with beauty were bereth.

Nor it, nor no remembrance what it was:

But flowers distill'd, though they with winter met,

Lesse but their snow; Their substance still lives sweet.

LIfe

2011-06-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

There's no point. Nothing has. Finding a reason... finding a goal... some say living without a goal is carefree and nice. I beg to differ living without a goal, life has no meaning. Living without an aim, destroys one's very existence in the world. Even without an aim, even without a goal... at least find reason. The very reason that explains one's existence in the world.

That's what I strive to find. That which I seek, the reason of my existence.

Once again, I am walking down the wrong path. The path that satisfy my desires but not my aims. The path that I have repeated told myself to avoid at all costs. The path that diverges from my planned route. Who would ever know when I would finally do things as planned? Once again, I am on my path to failure. But who knows? My holiday isn't over. 5 no 4 more days.

4 more days. taking it one step at a time. 4 more times. The step I cannot miss, that I hate yet love.

Then again, who knows?

Wait for the holidays

2011-03-02T07:12:00.000-08:00

Tk test was totally screwed up. Only managed to do like 5 questions and i did not do the 10 mark question.. most probably a fail grade. Tk presentation next wk with my sucky group... just 2 more weeks to go ...

I really don't feel like studying despite knowing that I should. I would end up spend more than half of my time surfing the net watching some random videos. I am going to change all this habit after march holidays... well so i guess i shall enjoy it to the fullest now :) Seems like some screwed logic but who cares? It's not for anyone else to judge.

I am really going to try and change my life during the march holidays. I will try and hopefully, succeed. I actually like spending my time like this... surfing net and so on but its simply too unproductive. So I really have to change by hook or by crook by the end of march holidays. How? I will not even think about it. well 7 more days of sch ( excluding weekends )

7 more days. Taking things one day at a time.... Just 7 more times...